My teenager is having palpations. What should we do?
Excuse me. Do you mean palpitations? There’s a difference, and this might be a good time to focus on the use—and misuse—of medical terminology. Granted that a lot of the language of the medical profession is derived from ancient Latin (almost all anatomical names), Greek (arthritis, nephritis, phobias), French (lavage, hemorrhage), and Old English (dropsy, palsy), and granted that many in our profession sometimes confuse and distort our own words, it’s still very important to be able to communicate with each other. This is especially important when we’re talking about health-related issues. So we need to at least come close to the proper word or phrase.
The following are actual examples of “coming close,” taken from the questionnaires and written forms of actual patients, or from their verbal histories. See if you catch the draft. Some are quite traffic.
- Scrip throat – strep
- Rotor cup – rotator cuff
- Technical shot – tetanus
- Depositories – suppositories
- Cadillac – cataract
- Diarear – diarrhea
- Buttocks – Botox
- Acid reflex – reflux
- Amtracks – anthrax
- Herbal bowel syndrome – irritable bowel
- My brain headache – migraine
- Prostrate/prospate – prostate
- Oltimer’s disease – Alzheimer’s
- Canada infection – candida (yeast)
- Choirpracter – chiropractor
- Gouch – gout
- Sonotic nerve – sciatic
- Smoking sensation classes – smoking cessation
- Tyrenol – Tylenol
- Chicken pops – chicken pox
- Smilin’ mighty Jesus – spinal meningitis
- Vomick/cascade – vomit
- Fireballs in my Eucharist – fibroids of the uterus
- Delighted – dilated
- Aerial fiburation – atrial fibrillation
- Hi herny – hiatal hernia
And if you’re from the South—where we like to take things literally—or just want to be, how about these:
- Artery – the study of painting
- Seizure – one of the Roman emperors
- Labor pain – getting hurt at work
- Bacteria – the back door of a cafeteria
- Outpatient – a person who has fainted
- PAP smear – a paternity test
- Colic – a sheep dog
- Tumor – more than one
- Urine – opposite of you’re out
- Fester – someone who is quicker
- Enema – not a friend
- Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome
- Barium – what doctors do when a patient dies
- Cat scan – search for a kitty
- Node – was aware of
- Vein – conceited
- Terminal illness – getting sick at the airport
- Hangnail – a coat hook
- Dilate – to live long
- Recovery room – a place to do upholstery
- Varicose – nearby
- Pelvis – a cousin of Elvis
- Postoperative – a letter carrier
- Nitrates – cheaper than day rates
- Tablet – a small table
- Impotent – distinguished, well known
- Rectum – dang near killed ‘em
As you can see, we sometimes need a translator. Fortunately, if we pay attention, we can decipher the intended meaning of a word or phrase. Taking Latin in high school was a big help in understanding the origin of medical words and how to use them. For those of us who didn’t, learning medical terminology wasn’t easy. In fact, hundreds of books have been written on this subject. One popular and effective teacher of anatomy, understanding the limitations of the medical students sitting before him, broke down the essential structures of the chest cavity by describing the “birds of the thoracic cage.”
- The esophagoose
- The thoracic duck (duct)
- The azygoose vein (azygos)
- The hemi-azygoose vein (a close cousin)
- The accessary hemi-azygoose vein (a distant cousin)
- The vagoose nerve (vagus)
- The peri-cardinal sac (pericardial)
- And the swallow – a stretch, but it still works
If that dispels a little of the mystery surrounding medical terminology and the process of medical education, well, good. Now what was that question about palpations?
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