I don’t understand my child and we’re always knockin’ heads! Is there anything I can do?
Simpatico. “Of similar mind or temperament.” Sounds good, doesn’t it? And wouldn’t that make things a lot smoother? That’s a worthy goal, to be of a similar mind with your child—to understand where they’re coming from and what makes them tick. For some of us, it seems to come easy. But for most, it requires intentional effort. Fortunately, there are people who have thought through this and offered help that’s based on logic and outcomes. One such person is Gary Chapman, and he’s given us a solid framework in his book, The 5 Love Languages. It begins with taking a hard look at yourself and see what makes you tick. Once you’ve done that, you can focus on your child, and build a long-lasting bridge of understanding and communication. The same goes for your spouse or any significant other. But we’re going to focus on how to better understand your five or fifteen-year-old.
We have limited space here, so we’re going to touch on Chapman’s basic concepts. He tells us there are five types of “love languages”—ways in which we give and receive love. Each of us is unique, and while we have a “primary” love language, we might in fact be blends of one or two. These become manifest at an early age, and remain with us throughout our lives. The key is to understand these languages, identify which most closely applies to us, and then work to see which most closely applies to our child. Here they are:
Words of Affirmation
Right off the bat, we probably think of “compliments” here. And that would be correct. But there’s much more to affirmation. Encouragement is an important part of this—“to inspire courage.” And as Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians, “Love is kind.” In showing love, our words should be kind, gentle, and humble. How does your child respond to your words?
Quality Time
This one is tough. “Quality” means giving someone your undivided attention. Sitting in a movie theater doesn’t get it, nor does talking with your teenager while both of you are texting away on your smart-phones. Focused attention. Quality conversation, when the two of you are sharing feelings, thoughts, experiences, hopes, and dreams. When was the last time you and your “problem child” went somewhere and spent time one-on-one? And what happened?
Receiving Gifts
Gifts can be visual symbols of love, and they don’t have to be expensive. They just need to come from the heart. Remember, we’re advocates of the adage: “Don’t give a child something they cry for.” This has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with understanding that your child responds to symbols of your love, whether something small but meaningful—maybe something they collect—or something completely unexpected. It doesn’t have to happen every day or every week, but if your child’s love language is giving and receiving gifts, you have a lot of options and opportunities. When they give you a gift, no matter the size or cost, stop what you’re doing, think about it, and accept it as a demonstration of their love.
Acts of Service
With children, this love language is most commonly expressed by the delegation and fulfillment of household chores. This “delegation” comes most effectively through requests and not orders. Remember that love is a choice, and not a command. If your child’s love language is acts of service, they will express this through serving you by completing their daily chores, showing you their love. You can do the same, by serving them—helping with their chores—or through small acts around the house. If they refuse to make their beds every morning, realize this may not be an act of rebellion or disrespect. It just may not be their love language. Yet, that bed needs to be made.
Physical Touch
Obvious, isn’t it? Most of us like and want to be touched. For many, this is our primary love language, and small pats or hugs convey our love. Study your child’s body language and response to your touch. If this is their love language, you’ll know. And if that’s the case, understand that excessive physical punishment can have long-term and disastrous consequences. If she is upset and crying, the most important thing she needs is your presence and a hug.
That’s it—an abbreviated course in the five love languages. If the language of both you and your child is the same—quality time, as an example— you’re probably not “knockin’ heads.” But if you don’t know your own language or that of your child, it may seem that you’re ships passing in the night.
It doesn’t have to be that way. If this idea of unique love languages strikes a chord, we whole-heartily recommend that you get a copy of Chapman’s book and study it. What you learn about your child and especially about yourself might be a surprise.
Simpatico. Work on it, and get there.
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This is an excerpt from the new book I wrote with pediatrician Dr. Robert Alexander. Ask the Family Doctor addresses questions from parents regarding their children’s health. Feel free to email us with questions: askthedox@yahoo.com
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