Bullying

We think our eight-year-old boy is being bullied at school. His grades are slipping and he doesn’t want to ride the bus anymore. He won’t talk about it. What should we do?

If you haven’t read and seen How Green Was My Valley (Richard Llewellyn), you need to add it to your bucket list. In the movie, a young Roddey McDowall, the son of a Welsh coalminer, is being bullied at his new school. He’s coming home with black-eyes, bruises, and a wounded ego. His older brothers—grown men and coalminers themselves—procure the services of a wiry, experienced prizefighter, who teaches Roddey the art of pugilism. In short order, the bullies have been leveled and all is well. It’s a “feel good” moment, but the reality of bullying and its outcomes are not always so straight-forward and “feel good.” Here’s a more typical example.

Wes Wood and his family recently moved to Rock Hill, where his father has become a senior vice-president in one of the local banks. Wes is twelve-years-old, tall and slender, and not very athletic. Since the age of eight, he’s had a tic—squeezing his eyes closed, pursing his lips, and jerking his head to the left. It had improved over the past year or so, with the help of their pediatrician and a counselor. The episodes became much less frequent, and could be traced to some precipitating stressful event. His parents anticipated the stress of a new city and a new school, and worked with Wes to identify and deal with any feelings of anxiety he might experience.

That seemed to be working—for a while. He was always a good student—honor roll in all of his previous classes—and things started out the same way in Rock Hill. Two months into the school year, things began to change. His grades began to slip and his tic returned. They had found a good pediatrician in Rock Hill, who quickly identified the problem. Wes was forth-coming with the bullying he was experiencing in school. Several boys picked on him because of his tic and made fun of his skinniness. At first, this took the form of verbal taunts, but recently the boys had begun to physically abuse him. They employed painful pinches, leaving bruises in areas under clothing, where they wouldn’t be obvious to a casual observer.

The mother of one of his classmates called Wes’s parents and identified the perpetrators after her own son expressed concern about what was happening. They asked for a meeting with the school principal and the three boys. Gathered in the principal’s office, Wes’s parents were surprised to learn that the three offenders were all honor students, clean cut, and polite. The father of one of them worked at Wes’s father’s bank. They admitted to bullying Wes. Now what?

“Bullying” has been the topic of a lot of conversations recently. It’s nothing new, but we’re now beginning to understand more about it and the seriousness of its consequences. It can take many forms, but at its heart, bulling is a type of aggression in which one or more children repeatedly and intentionally harass or physically harm someone who is perceived to be weak and unable to defend himself or herself. The important points here are repetition over time and the unequal power relationship. Those will be the common factors in any form of bullying. The victim will perceive themselves as being weaker than the bully, and unable to defend themselves. It’s not just physical abuse, but includes being threatened, verbally abused (name calling), being socially isolated or the subject or rumors, and increasingly, being targeted in the growing arena of social media.

This is way too common, with estimates that at any one point in time, as many as 10% of children are being regularly bullied. Just as troubling is that up to as many as 90% of adolescents will face physical or psychological bullying before leaving high school. Getting accurate numbers is difficult, for several reasons. Frequently, bullying goes unreported, with as many as half of those being bullied not telling anyone. That’s more so for boys, older children, and for those who are bullied infrequently.

As a general rule, boys are about 50% more frequently involved in bullying than girls, and are more frequently the target of physical abuse. Girls on the other hand are more often the targets or perpetrators of non-physical bullying, such as the spreading of rumors, gossip, and smear campaigns using their social media outlets. Just as painful. Most of this bullying happens during the second through ninth grades, with the highest incidence occurring at 7 years of age.

What does a bully look and act like?

As we see in Wes’s case, there is not a typical stereotype for a bully. They can come in all shapes and sizes. We do know that many are aggressive toward their teachers, parents, siblings, and classmates, and are quicker to resort to physical and violent means to exert their dominance over others and to control their sphere of influence. If they are male, they’re more likely to be bigger and stronger than most of their classmates and especially those they seek to bully. But contrary to what we might think, they usually don’t bully from a sense of insecurity or a lack of self-esteem. Wes’s bullies were school leaders, accomplished in the classroom and on the athletic field. What they did have in common with just about every bully is the desire and need for power and domination. Girls do the same thing, but usually without the physical component. As we might expect, children who are physically aggressive tend to lack both social skills and empathy, while those who use social means of bullying tend to lack empathy as well, but are socially skilled. It’s the more intelligent, older, and more socially sophisticated bully who is capable and likely of getting away with the aggressive behavior. They learn how to avoid detection.

What about the victim? What do they look like?

As you might expect, those children who are bullied seem to be more passive and insecure than their peers. They tend to be smaller, weaker, more sensitive, and quiet. They are frequently “loners,” whether by nature or social circumstance. The important thing to remember is that there is no “typical” bully or victim. Many victims seem to be successful students and self-assured, and many bullies are class leaders, charming, and possessive of social graces.

Bullying can occur anywhere, but is most frequent in our schools and when there is the least adult supervision. That means the playground is a very common site. In primary schools, victims are frequently bullied during breaks, lunch time, or recess, while in secondary grades, this happens in hallways, classrooms, and bathrooms. That last site is problematic, causing many victims to avoid school rest rooms because of their fear of being assaulted. And again, this is a location where there is little if any adult supervision.

Other than being afraid, what are the consequences of bullying?

That’s enough, isn’t it? Some children spend their entire school years living in fear and anxiety. This can lead to poor self-esteem, social isolation, poor academic performance, depression, and in the extreme, violent actions and suicide. We’ve read about these increasing episodes of violent retaliation, prompted by chronic anxiety and feelings of powerlessness.

The consequences of bullying are serious, and don’t affect just the victim. Those who bully have ongoing social problems that extend into young adulthood and beyond. Some estimates indicate that as many as 2/3 of boys labelled as bullies will have at least one criminal conviction by the time they are 24 years old. 1/3 will have three or more convictions by this age. While it’s important not to stereotype a bully (or a victim), the evidence clearly indicates the need to identify any antisocial or aggressive behavior early on and deal with it.

So how do we identify this problem? Children will tell their parents about being bullied more often than their teachers will observe or volunteer this information. This could be caused by having too many students to properly supervise, or as some studies indicate, teachers in many of our schools are inadequately prepared to handle bullying. With that in mind, we need to be open about this and discuss it with our child when we have any concerns. Some tips might be difficulty sleeping, vague abdominal pain, new onset or recurrence of bed-wetting, headaches, moodiness, and an increase in visits to the school nurse. If your child has a chronic medical condition or behavior problem (Wes’s tics), they can become a target for bullying, so we need to pay special attention in these circumstances. Here are some questions to ask you child if you think there’s a chance this might be going one.

• Are you being picked on or teased at school?
• How long has this been going on?
• Do you have any friends or classmates who are being bullied?
• What do other children pick on you about?
• Have you told your teacher?
• Do you feel safe at recess, or do you tend to stay by yourself?

As a parent, we need to have a low threshold for investigating the potential for this problem. We should ask ourselves:

• Do I have any concern that my child is having difficulties with other classmates at school? Has the thought of their being bullied ever crossed my mind?
• Has their teacher ever mentioned they tend to stay by themselves, especially during recess?
• Does my child have frequent visits to the school nurse?
• Have I missed subtle comments that might indicate they are being bullied?

I’ve talked with my child and I’m convinced they’re being bullied at school. Now what?

It’s time to act, and that means talking with their teachers. Unless there is active adult intervention, this problem won’t go away. If their teacher is not aware of what’s going on or appears to down-play the problem, go to the principal. Fortunately, there is a heightened awareness of this issue, and most teachers and school officials are sensitive to its seriousness. In fact, many legal cases across the country have affirmed the following “rights for school victims”:

• To be protected against foreseeable criminal activity.
• To be protected against student crime or violence that can be prevented by adequate supervision.
• To be protected from dangerous individuals negligently placed in schools.
• To be protected against identifiable dangerous students.

We expect adults to be protected from this kind of behavior. Surely we would want our children to be as well. It can be done. We know that a comprehensive school-wide anti-bullying campaign and strategy can successfully lower the incidence of bullying and aggressive behavior regardless of the social or ethnic makeup of the school. It takes knowledge, commitment, and consistent action.

In addition to having your child report each episode of bullying to an adult, there are some things we can do to help them deal with this. Since we know that victims of bullying frequently project a sense of weakness and insecurity, as well as being more passive, we can help them with that. First, we can let them know that this demeanor can invite more bullying. Standing tall, speaking in a strong, clear voice, and making direct eye-contact will all help. Employing a “walk, talk, squawk” response might help as well. Walk away from the bully, not run. Talk directly to the bully, making direct eye-contact and using a confident voice and words (that’s going to take some time to master, and can be taught through role-playing at home). And then squawk—tell a teacher or adult about what happened. Your child needs to be encouraged to do this, and needs to understand that adults are there to protect them. If our child’s self-esteem is being damaged, we need to address that as well. Helping them identify something they can be successful doing is a good start. This may be sports, various clubs at school, or music. Not only will this help them build self-confidence, but it will broaden their social circles in a positive way.

If we think our child is a bully, or we’ve been confronted by teachers or other adults that he/she is demonstrating any abusive behavior towards other children, the worst thing we can do is become defensive. We need to investigate this completely and become involved. Left unaddressed, we will fail to provide our child with the chance to constructively deal with a problem that will shadow them throughout their lives.

Bullying is a serious problem, for everyone involved. This should always be a “no-tolerance” issue, wherever it’s occurring. It needs to be dealt with head-on, and if we do that, we can help our children—victims and bullies alike.

If you want more information, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has an app for downloading at www.store.samhsa.gov then search “bullying.”

“It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men.” ~ Frederick Douglas