Several years ago, one of my friends advised me to buy a copy of Miss Manners-Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. For some reason, she thought I should familiarize myself with it. I’m not exactly sure what point she was trying to make, but I followed her advice, bought the book, and read it. And I learned some interesting things. For instance, did you know that it is acceptable to eat asparagus with your fingers? And that the proper way to eat corn-on-the-cob is from left to right? Absolutely true, and fascinating. I know it changed my life.
Anyway, I read the entire book, and when I finished it, I realized that the author had omitted a very important topic: the correct etiquette for utilizing 911 and your local EMS service. Correct etiquette for calling an ambulance? Absolutely. There is a right way to do this, and a wrong way. Just as surely as you should never eat corn-on-the-cob from right to left, there are certain specific rules regarding EMS and 911 that should never be broken. And to prove that point, I’m going to give you some actual examples taken from the daily ambulance run reports of our local EMS. Keep in mind, all of these are true, and actually occurred. Here we go:
- Don’t call for an ambulance when you’ve had back pain for three years, it’s 2 a.m., and you don’t want to go to work in the morning.
- Don’t call for an ambulance if you’re over forty years old, it’s 3 in morning, you have poison ivy, and don’t want to wake your mamma.
- Never call 911 from the waiting room of the emergency department because you want to be seen faster.
- It is considered bad form to call for an ambulance for your children when they are home, you are at work, and they’ve had head colds for three weeks.
- Also considered bad form is to call 911 at 4 a.m. because you have a hangover, it’s cold outside, and your car’s heater doesn’t work.
- Especially unacceptable is calling EMS after you’ve stepped on a sewing needle, you have a brand new car, it’s been raining, and you don’t want to get it muddy.
- It’s considered improper to call for an ambulance and leave before they arrive.
- It’s also improper to call 911, and when the paramedics arrive, refuse to be taken to the hospital. For this to happen once in your lifetime is once too many. For it to happen four times in one night is absolutely taboo. (Remember, these are true accounts.)
- Oh, and never dial 911 because you have a toothache and your dentist can’t see you until in the morning.
These should be fairly obvious indiscretions, but the following is a list of behaviors that are guaranteed to get you in trouble and cause significant embarrassment:
- Never shoot at a parked or moving ambulance.
- Never shoot at a Paramedic.
- Never throw rocks or bottles at an emergency vehicle.
- Never curse, swear, or otherwise defame someone who is trying to save your life.
- Never physically assault a Paramedic.
- Never spit at or near EMS personnel.
And for those of you who want to achieve the epitome of proper decorum when it comes to this issue, here are two suggestions:
- Never drive less than 20 mph in front of an ambulance that is running with lights and siren on.
- When you have called for EMS assistance for a loved one who is in bed in their bedroom, please try to have no more than 25 people in the room when EMS arrives.
There, that should get you started. Oh, and I’m sure Miss Manners would approve if I said that a simple “Thank you” would be in order if you avail yourself of the services of the professional and dedicated men and women of our EMS. After all, who else, other than your Obstetrician, makes deliveries at 3 a.m.?
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